I woke up early this morning and opened the Bible App and the “Verse of the Day” was Matthew 6:25. “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on: is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?”. While this verse primarily deals with worrying about providing for our basic daily necessities, in light of my recent diagnosis and treatments for lymphoma, the phrase “Do not be anxious about your life…” caught my eye as I am embarking on a journey in a “fight for my life”.
The following is a collection of thoughts about what I am feeling, what I’ve learned about myself and even what I hope for that have continued to bubble up as I talk with people about where I am so far.
I’ve found that I like to talk about myself. Whether for good or bad I sometimes leave a “brief” conversation wondering if I should have said all that I did.
Acts of encouragement that are shown ARE meaningful to me and my family. These can be a quick “so how are you doing?”, “I’m praying for you”, meals, notes, etc. Most of my life I have been on the other side of this and even wondered how much it meant, but now I know. Just a quick warning that refers back to #1, if you ask me how I’m doing, I may actually tell you.
There is a certain amount of “self-talk” that I engage in to put this all in perspective and even to put a positive spin on things. This includes thoughts such as: we are all terminal and are not going to make it out alive in the end anyways; none of us, even the apparently healthiest, are guaranteed another day; I know where I’m going when this life is over, etc
I don’t want sympathy. Many others that we are unaware of are walking down difficult paths that may be even worse than mine. Also, while I have been aware for awhile that “something is not right with me”, the last 3 years of my life have been my best years so far in most ways.
Denial may not be all bad, especially on good days.
God has given me the grace that I need for today to live with a measure of peace and joy that I can’t really explain. I don’t even feel more spiritual now than I did prior to all this so I know it is from Him and not me.
I fear pain most of all. A famous quote (that I believe I made up) says, “I wouldn’t mind pain so much if it didn’t hurt so bad”
There is a quote from Shakespeare that says, “A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but once.” We are all guaranteed that one death so my prayer for myself and all of us is to spend the rest of our time on earth, living to make the most of what God is giving us today and in the end take that hero’s death with the Grace he will provide for that day.
Paul Friesen